Something New

I went through last year's post and I must say.. I had a pretty rough year last year.

Almost every single post was about me complaining, telling myself not to complain and/or saying that my previous week wasnt good and isnt getting any better.

As opposed to this year.

Im not saying that things are going great. Im just saying that its going.. Okay. Not eventful, but okay. Maybe a little boring but I guess/hope time will fix that.

Time went by pretty quickly as you can see, since its already the 25th. Yes, 6 more days till the month of lovers as I call it.

Im not ecstatic over it as usual but I am still looking forward to it. Theres something about Valentine's Day that makes me feel hopeful. Not about myself but I like to see other people getting gifts too. I dont know, theres just something about it.

Not gonna pull off any crazy stunts this year. I am taking a BREAK from freaking people out. Plus, the last person I freaked out and may emotionally scar is now in my class and next year too so whoopie. Im positive he doesnt even like me as a human being, let alone something special though my friends tried to prove me otherwise. Nice try guys but Im fine. Well, not really. I will be.

I dont know but I think theres something wrong here somewhere. I cant really put my finger to it but I dont feel like how I used to feel. When Im happy, I dont feel warmth anymore. And maybe its cause I lask motivation. And inspiration. Again.

I really need to pull myself together. Im going for a debate comp in Feb and if I dont get myself together then, Im going to bring down my whole team. I cant do that. But I also cant help it. Everything Im doing, Im not doing it with my heart. Its like my soul flew away to God knows where and I dont know how to get it back. When I read notes or even TRY to think of an argument, I cant. It either wont stick to my brain or wont come at all.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

2011

I guess its pretty dumb for me to write about the past since today is the very first day of a new year but I feel the need to.

I went through alot this year. Nothing big like a death of a loved one, no. I learned a whole lot about friendship. How sometimes, your biggest enemy can turn into your best friend. How something as easy as a text can make your heart skip a beat. How small gestures and words from strangers can brighten up someone's day. How changing for a guy means nothing if he's gonna like you for who you're not. And most importantly, how your friends will be there for you, even if you're a pain in the ass sometimes.

Never judge a book by its cover. People change. If things dont work the first time, they most likely wont work the second time.

Only now do I truly know the meaning of these words.

This year was eventful. And if I had to do it again, there are so many things that I would've changed. But I cant and now, I can only learn from my mistakes.

Many of my friends wont be around in DJ next year, including my bestest friend. Everythings gonna be different now, knowing I wont have you to back me up with all the shitty school stuff and to understand our secret nods and codes. I'll miss you.

To my classmates in 3 Batai, I have to be honest. I hated you guys. Coming to school was like a horrible chore, are opposed to how I felt about school last year. But as the year went by, I started to get to know every single one of you better. Its amazing how 39 individuals can respectively change my minds toward them after spending 5 days a week for a year. It really is amazing. We all went through alot together with the dramas and the choir. I guess thats one of the main reasons why I, in a way, loved this class. What our class fails in attendance, excels in spirit. All those practices and class time really brought us together and bonded us towards the end.

I love you guys. It has been one hell of a year in a bad way, and the best possible way. And I hope you guys feel the same way too. We all wont be in the same class next year. But I hope to be with atleast the 3 of you. If not, I hope we still remain friends in any way. I miss you guys already.

Happy New Year.

Matched by Ally Condie

What does it feel like to have your whole life under control of the government? How many children you have. Who your perfect partner is. Where you work. When you die. Scary huh? But if this is the only way for you to live a long, healthy life then so be it, no?

Thats what life is like in the future. Things such as songs, poem and so on are only reduced to hundred in order for people to cherish what they have. The others are destroyed, burnt. Things like running in public and writing is forbidden. What a world.

The main of this story is a girl called Cassia, who has just been matched on her seventeenth birthday. Apparently, she was matched with her best friend, Xander. And when she viewed the microcard containing all the info about him, another guy's picture came out.

Now if it were you, would you get all confused and fall in love with the latter guy? Heck no I wouldnt. Xander is a nice lad, always taking care of her yet she still plays love with this other guy just because the government made a mistake. By loving this guy, she is practically going against the government. But love conquers all right?

Not really. Not when what you're doing is putting yours, his and heck, you're FAMILY'S life in danger. The strange thing is, she said that she loves Xander eventhough she's in love with Ky ( the other guy ).

Throughout the whole book I kept praying that Cassia realizes her mistake and goes back to Xander, a guy who loves her and wont do her any harm. But she doesnt. I also tried so hard to like every single romantic scene the author has created for Cassia and Ky but I cant help to feel extremely sorry for Xander. How could she do this to him?

Honestly, I hated her character. But then I realized that she's just like me. She cant see the amazing person who has been there for her at all times and went for a guy that appeared in her microcard by mistake. And then I wonder. If someone were to write about me in a book, will I like myself?

Yes? Maybe? No. Definitely not.

Sure, my story would be a romantic one. But for some people like myself. I will always remain the bad one. So called 'loving' two people isnt acceptable. You go with the one thats best for you. Atleast, thats what all the rubbish love quotes say.

' Stop chasing and look at the ones who have been chasing you instead '.

Something like that. I tried to do that. I really did. Maybe Im just like Cassia. Maybe I'll never like the guy that is 'meant' for me. Maybe Im just meant to be with someone unexpected.

So many memorable lines from this book but I will post it some other time. Read the book. You might love it as much as I did. And you might hate Ky and love Xander just like I did too.

Sacred Silence

I was this close to deleting my blog and making a new one. This might seem normal for some people but not for me. Im big on nostalgics. I planned on using the same email address,same blog link, same phone number until the day I die. To me, changing these is like changing the only things that are constant in my life. Something that I can change for myself.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Some idiot hacked into my email address now all my contacts are gone. Nada. Zilch. Poof. I made a new one, of course but its not the same. It has new written all over it. From a person's email address, you can see what kind of phase he/she went to. And when someone question it, they can easily blame the fact that they were say, 10 at the time. Its acceptable to have oh, I dont know, an anime-ish email address when you were 10. Not if you're 15 though. You're expected to come up with something cool. Which I failed to do.

Losing my email address somehow gave me an impact. Small, but an impact nonetheless. It means now that my 'vow' has been broken, I am free to make any changes I want to the things I refused to before.

I really wanted to make a new blog. To start fresh, anew. Get rid of the sadness and the 'Syafinas-ness' written all over the blog. Insert new, positive goals and posts.

But I cant do that. Theres so many posts in hear that are memorable, in its own way. Some things that I cant decipher because I was speaking in codes. But when I really think hard about it, I'll be able to do it.

Even by changing my blog link means that I have altered my memories. My past. I have never deleted a post before, for I am big on memories.

Well guess what? I'll never change the link of this blog, delete it nor private it. Even if it becomes abandoned one day. I will never do such a thing.

The holidays have been treating me pretty well so far. Went out a couple of times and stayed in for the most (haha). But somehow, I pretty upset about the fact that my relationships with people have changed. I didnt receive a single text or hello or anything from the ones I care about. Who are they? You dont need to know.

Relationships

There was a guy in my past who never failed to remind me to smile. Everytime I felt low, when I think he's not looking, my phone will suddenly beep and the text will read 'Smile a little :)'
Its amazing how certain words coming from certain people can change your day from a terrible one to a day you'll repeat forever in your head. Its amazing how one's presence can change who you are now.

People say that when a person from your past comes back, it usually means trouble. Or even means that you ought to give it another shot. Because what might have happened in the past was a mistake, an action that shouldnt have been taken was taken.

I did that mistake before. Before I gave him a chance, I shut him out and listened to my friends who, in this case, arent the best people to listen to.

I tried to move on. Forget about it. Buried the guilt deep in my heart, locked it with so many lock that I hoped no one found the key.

He didnt do that though. No, he never gave up. Ever since I left, he never gave up in trying to get my attention. He caught it alright, but I was just too egoistic. I knew that going back to him was admitting that I made a mistake. Which, I clearly did.

All I really longed for was for him to talk to me. To make the first move instead of me doing everything. And yesterday, he did. After a long time, we finally truly spoke to each other. And Im glad.

Im not gonna let you go again. No matter what, we're gonna take it slow and make this work. There must be a reason why you came back right? If it doesnt work, then maybe its not meant to be. If it does.. Well, we're just gonna have to wait and see, no?